sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
