Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
