I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
