I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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