If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
