girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
