she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
