you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
