I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
