The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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