did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
we're so committed to being not committed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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