i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
