saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
