I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just want nice things and good sex
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
