I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
