I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
And then he peed in my hair
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