I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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