your parents love me but you hate me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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