Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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