It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
