as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
