Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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