I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
