worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
