Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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