I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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