i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
