It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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