epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
honey bunches of taint.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The Olympian is in my bed
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