I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
