he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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