my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
