Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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