So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
