Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
