Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
