we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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