you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
