You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
