the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm just crazy horny about you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
