Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
