I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
