Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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