first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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