sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
