fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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