You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
