Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
