I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just want to make out with him forever
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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