When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
